George Washington Is Cash Money Read online

  and Americans have

  . . . blondes.

  Look, the problem with using real people as gods

  is that real people die

  so in order to make them last a little longer

  you need to make them fit big archetypes

  and put a lot of makeup on them so they look similar

  and pump them full of drugs and money

  until they die from all the drugs

  and you have to replace them.

  Hollywood is amazing at this

  but in order for the trick to work

  they’ve gotta keep the archetypes pretty vague.

  Therefore: the blonde.

  Hollywood burns through a ton of blondes

  over a ton of years

  all to fulfill the public’s insatiable demand

  for yellow hair and nice boobs

  until one day they find this young model

  (hotness, check)

  fresh out of a long chain of foster homes

  (humble beginnings, check)

  with nice blond hair

  (yellow scalp-fur, check)

  and her name

  is Norma Jean Mortenson.

  Okay, okay, cut.

  Norma Jean?

  Mortenson?

  That shit’s not gonna fly in showbiz.

  So they’re like “Tell ya what, toots

  we’ll let you keep the first letter of your last name

  but everything else has gotta go.

  We’re gonna give you the first name of Jesus’s mom

  Marilyn

  and the last name of a past president

  who cemented U.S. neutrality

  and supported Latin American independence

  Monroe.

  MARILYN MONROE.

  It’s perfect.

  Okay, now put on all this makeup

  and try not to be yourself.”

  But if Norma—ahem—Marilyn has the wrong name

  and doesn’t look right

  and doesn’t act right either

  why do they want to hire her to be Queen of Sex?

  Well, for the simple reason that they all have dicks

  and Marilyn is SUPERNATURALLY SEXY.

  For proof of this

  let’s look at the dudes she messed around with.

  There’s James Dougherty, a cop

  Joe DiMaggio, a baseball star

  and Arthur Miller, an award-winning playwright

  and those are just the dudes she MARRIED.

  You know who ELSE she slapped laps with?

  JOHN F. KENNEDY

  AMERICA’S SEXIEST PRESIDENT

  ALSO MAYBE HIS BROTHER BOBBY

  I mean, no one can exactly PROVE this

  but you have got to be pretty goddamn sexy

  for people to even start spreading RUMORS

  that you spread your legs for the president.

  She does movies too, but who cares?

  I’ll tell you who cares

  Marilyn fucking Monroe.

  She’s not super stoked

  at being nothing more than the latest Avatar of Blond

  and getting sacrificed when her tits start to sag

  so she starts hatching plans.

  Her first plan is just to never get old

  but that is doomed to fail

  so instead she decides to get actually good at acting

  so that once she’s no longer pure sex incarnate

  she can still get jobs doing a thing she likes.

  So she gets good at acting

  by taking classes and stuff

  but you know what she’s still not good at?

  Sleeping

  also, dealing with the inevitable stress

  of having to be fantastic all the fucking time.

  Luckily there’s pills you can take for that

  they’re called “sleeping pills”

  and what they do is

  they make you sleep.

  Unfortunately, Marilyn likes them too much

  and she starts taking too many

  and showing up later and later to stuff

  until finally she doesn’t show up at all

  because she is the other kind of late

  no, I don’t mean she’s pregnant

  I mean she’s permanently asleep, like forever.

  No one is happy about this.

  Marilyn Monroe was awesome

  and now people are sad.

  Some people say she killed herself

  some people say it was an accident

  and some people say it was MURDER

  by like, the mafia

  or the Secret Service

  or Bobby Kennedy himself!

  But no one gets a chance to ask Bobby about it

  because some random sniper shoots him and he dies

  just a little bit after the same thing happens to his bro

  which is a tragedy too

  although I guess

  once Marilyn Monroe has sex with you

  nothing is really a tragedy ever again.

  The good news for Marilyn

  is that she does actually manage to live forever

  at least, people write books about her

  and make paintings

  and giant statues

  where she is desperately trying

  to keep her clothes from leaping off her body

  and then later on

  Pamela Anderson tries to cut in

  and everyone is like “We see what you’re trying to do

  and don’t get us wrong, it’s really working for us

  but you’re never gonna touch that.”

  I think we can all learn a valuable lesson here

  which is that it’s good to be shrewd

  and it’s good to be pretty

  and it’s good to be kind or whatever

  but what really matters

  is banging celebrities.

  MARTIN LUTHER KING COULD OWN YOU AT POOL

  So America has slavery

  but then the Civil War happens

  and slavery is over.

  Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

  Except, wait

  it looks like even though slavery is over

  all the dudes who used to own slaves

  are not very excited about enforcing these new laws

  ESPECIALLY the one about black people voting

  and they quickly discover a neat life hack:

  Turns out that laws don’t matter

  if you control the police

  and just straight-up kill whoever disagrees with you.

  So obviously black people are not jazzed about this

  and it is only a matter of time

  before someone comes along to make shit better.

  This someone is named Martin Luther King

  and in addition to being a Doctor of Religion

  (which means he fixes sick religions?)

  he is also an unbelievably good speaker

  dead sexy

  and amazing at pool.

  Also, his last name is KING.

  COME ON.

  With a rep like Marty’s

  he probably could have just been like

  “Hey, everyone

  wouldn’t it be great if we killed all white people?”

  But that’s not what he’s about

  he’s on this lame nonviolence kick

  so when a badass lady named Rosa Parks

  decides to get arrested on purpose

  for riding the wrong part of a bus

 
(it is very easy to get arrested as a black person)

  Marty’s got her back.

  Along with some other dudes

  from the Southern Christian Leadership Conference

  he gets everybody in Montgomery, Alabama

  (where Rosa Parks got arrested)

  to just not ride buses

  and the bus guys are like “Oh noooo

  we were getting so much money

  from making black people sit in back of our buses

  looks like we have to change our racist ways!”

  So the bus thing gets changed, sort of

  and everyone is like “Right on, Martin.”

  I mean, it wasn’t just him who did it

  but he’s the sexiest one so he gets the credit.

  After that, dude is in high demand

  he’s going all over the South

  trying to make things less shitty.

  Here is how he does that:

  Step 1: Tell black people to march around

  Step 2: Police punch all the black people

  Step 3: Take pictures of the punching

  Step 4: Washington’s all like whaaaaat

  Step 5: Justice!

  This only works if police are down to punch dudes

  which is not true in some places

  which means Martin is unsuccessful for a bit

  but then he gets to Birmingham

  which is full of people who are so terrible

  it is essentially a village of tiny redneck Hitlers.

  So King gets thrown in jail by these mega racists

  and a ton of well-meaning white people up north

  are like “Whoa, dude, maybe chill out a bit.”

  so he writes them a letter like “Dear white people

  you seem to think I should chill out

  but it is hard as hell to chill out

  when dudes are throwing rocks at your head

  for not being the same color as their head.

  If I wait any longer to stop all these rocks

  the rocks are going to hit me in the head

  and it won’t even matter what color my head is

  because I will be dead.

  P.S.: You guys are totally not helping.”

  And everyone is like “Oh, wow, good point.”

  But while he’s in jail

  people are still protesting in Birmingham

  and it’s not really working

  because pretty much all the protesters are in jail.

  But you know who’s not in jail?

  LITTLE CHILDREN.

  So this one dude gets on the radio

  like “HEY KIDS

  YOU KNOW WHAT’S GREAT?

  MORTAL DANGER.”

  And the next day

  the streets are full of black toddlers

  waving signs and adorably risking their lives.

  And what do the police do?

  ARREST THEM.

  They arrest like a thousand little kids.

  They put them in JAIL

  then when they run out of toddlers to arrest

  they sic vicious dogs on high school students

  while blasting them with high-pressure hoses.

  I’m pretty sure that if there were babies to punt

  the cops probably would have done that too.

  At this point the government is like “Okay, okay

  the level of evil on display here would be hilarious

  if this were not A REAL THING

  THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING.

  STOP IT.”

  So they send in the National Guard

  and President John F. Kennedy

  who up to this point has been too busy getting laid

  to worry about civil rights

  is finally like “Jeez, fine

  I will try to make some laws to help with this shit.”

  But whereas JFK moves fast with the ladies

  he moves hella slow with groundbreaking legislation

  so Martin finally shows up at his house

  (by which I mean Washington, DC)

  with two hundred thousand other people

  and they camp out in front of a big statue

  of that Abraham Lincoln guy

  who supposedly freed all the slaves

  and King is like “Guys, I had this crazy dream

  where white people and black people

  didn’t hate the shit out of each other

  wow, so crazy!

  P.S.: JFK could you hurry up on that law please?”

  But JFK has bigger fish to fry

  namely the big red fish of COMMUNISM

  and it doesn’t help that the head of the FBI

  (J. Edgar Hoover

  who got his last name by sucking real hard)

  HATES black people

  . . . I mean he hates Martin Luther King.

  No way is Hoover a racist. No no no.

  So Hoover is trying to tell JFK that King’s a commie

  but then he gives up

  and just starts trying to prove that he’s a pervert

  which is WAY easier

  ’cause everywhere King goes

  he swings dick like an erotic grandfather clock

  his core philosophy is “I’m a married Baptist minister

  but like

  whatever.”

  So Hoover records all of King’s sex parties

  and sends the tapes to King’s wife

  which makes everyone sad

  so great job, J. Edgar Suckpants.

  Then Kennedy gets shot

  nobody knows why

  maybe they were jealous of how laid he was getting

  but regardless, the new president is Lyndon Johnson

  who is from Texas

  so everyone gets ready for some executive racism

  but Johnson surprises the shit out of everyone

  by ramming that civil rights bill through Congress.

  Then he decides he’s made enough good decisions

  and invades Vietnam.

  Now, Martin Luther King’s whole MO is nonviolence

  he is always the dude at the protest

  who keeps his dudes from throwing punches

  even when the other guys are throwing bullets

  so he hears about this Vietnam business

  and he is like “Oh HELL no”

  and Lyndon B. Johnson is like “God dammit, Marty

  I thought we were friends”

  and Eddie Hoover is like “Hey, Lyndon

  have I played these MLK sex tapes for you yet?

  Pretty sure that dude’s a SEX COMMUNIST”

  and LBJ is like “AAAAAAH MARTY!”

  But Martin Luther King keeps protesting the war

  even when his friends are like “Dude, chill out

  we still need to solve racism.”

  He even starts saying some really problematic stuff

  about how his REAL goal is to end poverty

  so now he has made enemies of racists, war hawks

  AND rich dudes

  which is why

  when he is mysteriously shot in Memphis, Tennessee

  at the age of thirty-nine

  everybody is sad

  but nobody is surprised.

  Everybody is so sad

  that pretty much every city in the United States

  catches on fire for like a week

  and then they name a bunch of streets after him

  and celebrate his birthday so hard

  that no one has to go to school on it

  EVER AGAIN.
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  But at least racism is over!

  . . . right?

  So basically

  be careful never to be too awesome

  or you will be mysteriously executed

  just like Martin Luther King

  and Gandhi

  and Abraham Lincoln

  and JFK

  and Malcolm X

  and Sitting Bull

  and Crazy Horse

  and . . . wow

  why are we so mean to our best people?

  KENNEDY TRIES TO NUKE THE MOON

  All right kiddies, I’ve got one more for ya

  but it spans hecka time

  so we’ve gotta jump back to World War Two for a sec

  because that’s when we nuked all our old gods.

  Check it:

  So Germany is having a war with everyone

  like I said

  and one of the things they do

  is they hire this dude named Von Braun

  to build them some rockets

  so Von Braun, who is an awesome engineer

  is like “Sweet

  we can use these rockets to go to space!

  Hey . . . wait

  why are you pointing my rockets at other countries?

  ohhh, I get it.

  Well, fuck you too, Hitler.”

  But then Hitler loses the war by being a crazy person

  and the U.S. captures Von Braun and some of his bros

  and Von Braun is like “Sweet!

  Now I can finally build rockets to go to space!

  Wait . . . guys?

  Why are you pointing my rockets at Russia?

  OH, FUCK YOU GUYS.

  SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL.”

  Now, to be fair to the United States

  Russia is a big, scary country

  with their own stolen German scientists

  and their own nuclear weapons

  and their own economic system.

  But to be fair to Russia

  the United States is a big, scary country

  that has already nuked one country it didn’t like

  and is now using a bunch of stolen German scientists

  to point bigger and bigger nuclear missiles at Russia

  soooo . . .

  everybody goes a little crazy for a while

  Resulting in something called the Cold War.

  I don’t know why it’s so cold

  like, nobody ever called any of the other wars “hot”

  but I guess every war against Russia is pretty cold

  so there you go.

  So Russia and the U.S. spend several years

  pointing larger and larger missiles at each other

  until dudes in both countries are suddenly like

  “Wait a second

  these missiles we’re building are HUGE