George Washington Is Cash Money Read online

  they’re all pretty much on the same page.

  So when Paul Revere shows up

  like “THE BRITISH ALL UP INS”

  everyone looks at George Washington

  and he’s like “. . . What?

  Why is everybody looking at me?

  Oh, you want me to lead your army?

  Okay, fine.”

  George has been itching to lead an army

  ever since his so-so performance under the Brits

  so he pulls out all the stops.

  He’s recruiting soldiers from everywhere

  he’s lobbying the states for more troops and money

  and he’s retreating

  a lot.

  See, even with George Washington’s pull

  the Continental Army is WAY smaller than Britain’s

  which means George’s strategy boils down to:

  “Make it LOOK like we have a fighting army

  long enough to convince France we’re winning

  so they come over to help fuck the British

  and then we can just have them win the war for us.”

  This is further complicated by the fact

  that Washington’s troops are constantly dying

  not from war

  (I mean, that helps)

  but from not getting their smallpox vaccines

  and the ones who don’t die just wait a few months

  and then peace out when their contracts run out

  and Washington is like “AUGH, GUYS

  WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO

  TO GET YOU TO DIE FOR YOUR COUNTRY?”

  It turns out all he has to do

  is bully Congress into passing Draconian laws

  punishing deserters and lengthening service contracts

  plus then France starts helping out

  (yes, the same France he fought in that other war)

  so in between vaccinating his troops

  and murdering British-allied Indian tribes

  (some of whom he negotiated the alliances with)

  he manages to turn the war around

  and despite his soldiers being pretty sucky

  he finally routs the British single-handed!

  (except for a huge French fleet

  and a lot of French money

  but you know, whatever).

  Then the war is over

  and all the soldiers are like “SHIT YEAH, GEORGE

  COME BE OUR KING.”

  and George is like “Um, no

  we just fought a war against King George

  and there can’t be two King Georges at once

  that would be confusing.”

  So he disbands his whole army

  LIKE AN IDIOT

  and then shows up to the Constitutional Convention

  and doesn’t even talk or anything

  just sits there looking regal and paternal

  until everyone is like “UGH FINE

  YOU CAN BE PRESIDENT, GOD

  NOT LIKE ANYONE ELSE IS EVEN RUNNING.

  Well, other than John Adams

  but what did he do?

  Other than draft the Declaration of Independence

  and take an active role in framing the Constitution?

  Seriously, fuck that guy

  have you met his brother Sam?

  So much cooler.”

  George is actually a pretty good president.

  His main job is to not be a dick

  so that future presidents also refrain from dickery

  but after eight years he gets sick of being righteous

  and resigns

  and goes back to his farm to be rich until he dies

  at which point he frees his slaves

  sorry, most of his slaves

  dude has a lot of slaves

  you can’t expect him to just free all of them

  that would be almost human.

  Then he dies

  and everyone argues over where to stuff his corpse

  like, in Virginia

  or in the capital city WHICH BEARS HIS NAME

  (much the way Athens bears Athena’s, coincidentally)

  but they settle on Virginia

  so as not to piss off the South

  and try to make up for it by carving his face in a hill

  and building him a giant stone dick in the capital

  and painting pictures of him

  and naming another state after him

  and basically every street in every city

  and putting him on half the money

  all of which just goes to show

  that traditionally

  the president of the United States

  is the guy in the group

  who is the most excited about shooting other guys.

  RIP VAN WINKLE SLEEPS HIS WAY TO THE TOP

  Now, I’ve been talking a lot about rich dudes

  and what they were doing during the revolution

  but what about poor dudes?

  What were they doing?

  Well, according to this pack of fictional lies

  they were SLEEPING.

  Listen:

  There’s this dude named Rip Van Winkle

  he’s a pretty decent bro

  always mowing his neighbors’ lawns

  fixing their roofs

  drinking their booze

  but see the problem with Rip Van Winkle

  is that he is only capable of doing things

  that IN NO WAY BENEFIT HIM

  like, he can’t mow his own lawn

  he can’t fix his own roof

  and he’d probably drink his own booze

  except he can’t afford any

  BECAUSE HE HAS NO JOB

  so mainly he just wanders around town

  with his dog named Wolf

  which is a shitty name for a dog

  but probably an even shittier name for a wolf

  unless it’s Wolf from Star Fox

  but I think he’s called Star Wolf

  or am I making that up?

  If I am, and that name isn’t taken

  I am hereby changing my name to Star Wolf.

  ANYWAY

  Rip Van Winkle has a wife

  I forget what her name is

  so we will just call her Bitchingstein Don Crunk

  because this woman is currently working on her MA

  in applied bitchology

  all like “BLUH BLUH BLUH

  WHY DON’T YOU GET A JOB

  SO WE CAN FEED OUR CHILDREN

  AND/OR NOT BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK

  OF THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD”

  It’s like she wants him to contribute to the household

  instead of just drinking booze and leeching off her.

  What a bitch, am I right?

  But Rip isn’t fazed by her henpeckery.

  One day he is just like “You know what

  I don’t have to listen to this

  I’m gonna go wander around with my dog

  IN THE WOODS.”

  So he’s wandering around in the woods

  and he sees this dude

  struggling uphill with a BIG BARREL OF BOOZE

  and Rip is like “Hey, buddy

  that booze looks pretty heavy

  maybe I ought to help you carry it

  WITH MY MOUTH

  or I guess I could just use my hands.”

  So they carry the keg to the top of the mountain

  where there is this cave

  and inside the cave

  there are a bunch of weird
tiny fellas

  just hanging out

  bowling

  and no one is saying anything

  so Rip is just like “Okay, guys

  I’m just gonna take position right next to this booze

  and drink myself senseless.

  Please continue bowling to indicate your assent.”

  And they keep bowling

  and Rip Van Winkle drinks until he blacks out

  and the gnomes draw dicks on him with a Sharpie.

  When he wakes up

  he’s got like a ten-foot beard

  and his hunting rifle has rusted away

  and his dog is missing

  (fun fact: his dog is actually dead)

  and he is like “Daaaaang

  I think I might have had too much to drink.

  Oh well, time to go back to my ordinary life.”

  So he goes back to town

  and he doesn’t recognize a SINGLE PERSON

  and everyone is like “Who the hell are you?”

  and he is like “I’m a loyal subject of England

  just like you guys!”

  and everyone is like “WRONG MOVE, ROYALIST.”

  See, Rip’s been asleep for TWENTY YEARS

  and in that time the American Revolution happened

  so people are no longer down with King George

  they are down with George Washington

  and there is only room for one George in their lives

  but really it doesn’t matter at all

  and pretty soon everyone stops giving a shit

  and Rip moves in with his daughter

  who is now conveniently old enough

  for him to leech off of

  and he finds another dog

  and he basically goes back

  to doing exactly what he was doing before he left

  with the added bonus that now his wife is dead

  This story reveals a potent little life hack:

  If everyone is yelling at you for being irresponsible

  try being MORE irresponsible

  and maybe they will all die while you are in a coma.

  BENJAMIN FRANKLIN IS THE GOD OF LIGHTNING

  I know what you’re expecting

  because I know how books like this usually go.

  I’m supposed to tick off the Founding Fathers

  one by one

  and tell you what assholes they all actually are.

  You know why popular history likes to do this?

  Because everyone loves to see their heroes look bad

  and if you have enough information about a dude

  it is SUPER EASY to make him look like a dingus.

  BAM

  INSTANT BESTSELLER.

  I did it with Christopher Columbus

  because he’s terrible

  and I did it with George Washington

  ’cause he’s the colonial equivalent of a trust fund kid

  but now it’s time to talk about Ben Franklin

  and I won’t do it.

  It’s not that I can’t make Big Ben look like a prick.

  Dude may have (definitely) hit on his best bro’s girl

  while his bro was out of town one time

  and he may have (definitely) refused to marry a lady

  because her parents wouldn’t pay off ALL HIS DEBT

  and he may have (definitely) cheated on his wife

  and then fathered a son

  who eventually fought against him in the revolution

  but when the best dirt historians can dig up on you

  is that you had a lot of extramarital sex

  well, at worst

  you’re the Zeus of the thirteen colonies.

  Ben gets born in Boston around 1706

  which means he had exactly seventy years

  to become enough of a ruckus-causer

  to spark off the American Revolution.

  Yeah

  imagine your granddad banging hookers in France

  while simultaneously negotiating military treaties

  and maybe then you’ll understand why I like this guy.

  Anyway he gets born

  he works for his brother as a printer for a while

  teaches himself writing

  (because he’s too poor for college)

  and then goes “fuck this” and moves to Philly

  because he hears they have dope sandwiches.

  In Philly, he keeps being a printer

  and he’s so goddamn good at it

  (spoiler: Ben Franklin is good at EVERYTHING)

  that pretty soon

  dudes are just handing him cash to buy his own press

  and start his own business.

  So now he becomes a master printer

  buys a couple slaves

  (but don’t worry, he frees them later

  and he doesn’t even have to die first!)

  and starts a newspaper

  which he uses to manipulate the opinions

  of Philadelphia’s ENTIRE GOVERNMENT.

  He also starts a weekly discussion group

  which gets so popular

  that each member starts his own discussion group

  and from that point on

  Ben Franklin owns Philadelphia.

  Let me explain how this works:

  Anytime Benjamin Franklin wants a thing to happen

  the first thing he does is write a paper about it

  then he reads it in his discussion group

  and then he gives it to each of his members

  and has them read it in their discussion group

  then he publishes it in his newspaper

  which is the most popular newspaper in the city

  and then when everybody is talking about his plan

  he goes to the assembly

  (which he is also the clerk of, coincidentally)

  and is like “Hey, guys

  it seems like everybody wants this thing to happen

  maybe you should do it.”

  BOOM. POLITICS.

  He uses this technique to get a night watch

  a fire department

  a militia

  a hospital

  a university

  paved roads

  and a library

  (while also securing himself a contract

  to print ALL THE MONEY IN PENNSYLVANIA).

  You couldn’t throw a rock down a street

  without hitting a public service attributable to him

  and even if you did

  your rock would be quickly swept up

  by the street sweepers Franklin employed.

  So obviously he becomes unreasonably wealthy

  and he tries to retire

  but everyone is like “NOPE

  YOU HAVE TO BE IN THE ASSEMBLY NOW”

  and he’s like “Aw man, really?

  I was looking forward to a life of leisure

  just doin’ science and hot chicks forever.”

  But he does it anyway.

  Then when shit starts getting crazy in the colonies

  he goes to England

  and he’s like “Guys, maybe we should make a deal

  where you don’t act like you can make laws for us

  and we maybe don’t kill all your guys”

  and the British are like “PISH POSH”

  and Ben’s like “Okay

  maybe stop being British for a sec

  and just listen to me”

  and the British are like “BALDERDASH”

  and Ben is like “Okay, well
>
  I guess I’m gonna go tell France to kill you now”

  and the French

  (who at this time in history

  will take ANY opportunity to screw with England)

  are like “OUI OUI”

  and Ben is like “God dammit

  I’m surrounded by foreigners.”

  But Franklin is not content

  simply to challenge the British Empire

  he has to challenge THE GODS THEMSELVES

  specifically Zeus, god of lightning

  presumably because he didn’t like the competition

  when it came to illegitimate sexytimes.

  So Ben decides to find out what’s up with electricity

  which means he has to take a break

  from single-handedly inventing Philadelphia

  to run some experiments

  and it turns out that there is one particular experiment

  that everyone else is too much of a weenie to run

  and that is the experiment

  that will finally answer the age-old question:

  “IS LIGHTNING MADE OF ELECTRICITY????”

  COME ON

  COME THE FUCK ON

  IT’S LIGHTNING.

  WHEN YOU GET HIT BY LIGHTNING

  IT GOES BZZT

  AND YOUR SKIN GOES TRANSPARENT

  AND EVERYONE CAN SEE YOUR BONES

  HOW IS THIS NOT OBVIOUS?

  Man, the past is dumb.

  But Big Ben Franklin is NOT

  so he does the smartest possible thing

  which is to make a kite out of metal and silk

  attach a key to the bottom

  and go out in a lightning storm.

  This guy is on our money, America.

  Not only is he on our money

  he’s on a denomination of money

  that I’m not even rich enough to possess.

  Anyway, this experiment is a great success

  Benjamin Franklin finally proves

  that lightning is the only thing it could possibly be

  and he writes a paper about it

  and sends it to the Royal Society of London

  and they’re all like “POPPYCOCK!

  LIGHTING IS MADE OF GLOWING BEES

  EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.”

  And they refuse to acknowledge the experiment

  until some French dudes run it better.

  This brings to mind an old adage:

  Early to bed

  and early to rise

  will not make you as cool

  as Benjamin Franklin.

  SLEEP LATE HAVE SEX.

  ALEXANDER HAMILTON IS A STRAIGHT-UP G

  I am not even kidding about this.

  Let’s start from the beginning.

  Dude is born in the West Indies